Greetings, pitiful humans! You have tried admirably to make 2020 a strange year full of chaos, but you’re not trying hard enough. That is why I, Strange Featureless Alien Body, had to step in for this
I mean, the GALL of you excessively dull normies. You don’t even know how to drive a Lamborghini. This is how you do it:
I bet you don’t even have a third eyeball hidden in the tip of your head-cone. Sad!
You should all be cowering in my bizarrely plain presence, gasping at the oblong-ness of my bare white head and praying to G’hrufruffuhna that you can finally learn how to car.
You can’t even get into your Lambos the right way and you’re the unworthy species who makes them! Only peasants get into a car with their own feet. This isn’t a Facebook Marketplace Geo Metro that you swapped for two tribbles and a box you dare not open lest you open up a black hole that sucks the universe into an alternate dimension where pain is the only emotion. Real ballers use an excavator to lift themselves in.
Why would your pathetic little planet even have such delightful machines if they weren’t there to lift you into cars?
Lamborghini finally gave me the chance to show you all how it’s done thanks to its “With Italy, For Italy” photo project, wherein they’ve enlisted 21 photographers to feature the best of Italy’s 20 regions as Italy rebounds from COVID-19. Oh, and the photos also feature Lambos. Of course they’re featuring Lambos.
Architectural photographer Valentina Sommariva featured the Abruzzo region in southern Italy with the first good photos of me, Faceless Alien With a Name Incomprehensible to Humans, enjoying a Lambo in the region’s incredible mountainous terrain.
Another alien bud and I teamed up in these photos to show your insufficiently peculiar planet how to wield a Huracán Evo Spyder, which Lamborghini describes as “the spaceship that aliens use to interact with the environment, revealing the relationship between space and earth.”
Yes, earth. It’s cute. Can I keep it as a pet?
We even showed you the best way to look at your overwhelmingly gorgeous mountains, which is by framing them with your Lamborghini hood:
This is what happens when I forget to shield some of that natural beauty from my strangely undefined eye-indentations. I just kind of shut down. It’s not pretty:
Anyway, Lamborghini themselves should be offering my people a boatload of k’ffsklabngjios, as this is the best marketing they’ve had in years. Everyone who’s seen these photos has had some take on them. It’s great timing, too, as this particular leg of the “With Italy, For Italy” photo series coincides with rumors that the Volkswagen Group might sell off Lambo and its other prestige brands to double down on electric vehicles.
In the meantime, gaze in awe at the right way to use a Lambo. Pro tip: If you don’t crouch down and sneak up on it to unlock it, it will bite.
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