This Swedish military tractor is the Saab of tanks: small, odd-shaped, but potent. Somehow resembling both a cartoon caterpillar and a tool for the end-times, the Hagglunds BV206 is also quite capacious, so, on the eve of Donald Trump’s inauguration, as the sky breaks open and hellfire is unleashed from the heavens, you can cart at least 15 neighbors safely to Canada. (Budget: $14,700), Wikimedia CommonsTo be fair, the USAF uses T-33s almost exclusively for training. But what is the military if not an exhaustive exercise in preparation? Be prepared with the T-33. (Budget: $395,000), Wikimedia CommonsThis is the Greatest Generation daddy of all the CJs and Wranglers swarming high school parking lots and KOA campgrounds. Get one in olive drab and make your friends call you Patton. (Budget: $10,000), Wikimedia CommonsFive tons is an immense weight for a car, but for a military truck it’s downright sprightly. The M818 looks like a murdered-out Tonka writ large, and one of the only trucks out there that makes a Ford F-150 Raptor look fey. (Budget: $2,700), Wikimedia CommonsWe love the Mercedes Unimog, but it’s a little on the nose. The C303 is super-agile, and despite a cutesy face, had the guts to win its class at Dakar. It’s just like a contemporary Volvo XC70 on potent, potent Russian steroids. (Budget: $36,000), Wikimedia CommonsSo, they’re not great at fielding IEDs. There aren’t many of those in Westchester, though—pick up an H1 in khaki and maraud to Whole Foods. We’d recommend arming yourself with a plethora of organic vegetables, should someone arrive in a Gelandewagen and want to tussle. (Budget: $7,500), Wikimedia CommonsForget cats, reject dogs, and flatten the Volkswagen Beetle—the Studebaker M29C Weasel is the most lovable beast on God’s green earth. It’s a tiny amphibious tank with seventy horsepower and it looks like a green bathtub. It even has its own fan website! (Budget: $19,000), Wikimedia Commons
America is obsessed with the sexiness of war. While the 20th century and its litany of horrors has cured us of many of the romantic notions—fashionable cavalries, polished bayonets, handsome Minutemen—one particularly charismatic aspect of combat is mostly unsullied by battlefield gore and the wholesale slaughter of innocents. That would be the vehicles. Tracked, wheeled, hulled or otherwise, the sleds we use to make war happen also to be excellent at instilling fear and excitement on the most peaceful of boulevards. How do you pick them What many folks don’t know is that military surplus auctions are open to anyone with an Amex card. That tank you buy might not have operable guns, but it’s still a tank.
